I’ve had this revelation before, and then promptly forgotten it.

Once when Zaltana was ranting about society, how they think their control and rules are so valid when in actuality it’s all utter make-believe nonsense, how they cherish their illusions of safety so highly they won’t even look at what it’s doing to them—suddenly I blinked, and I realized she was talking to me.

I became very disoriented, but yeah, I totally saw her point. All these different ways that I use control. Mundanities. And I think it’s gonna keep me safe but it’s such a fucking illusion. And I’m so invested in it that I won’t even take half a moment to step away and take a look at what it’s actually doing to me—

All my life, constantly restarting daycounts, making lists and lists of rules, evaluating, judging, controlling, berating, controlling controlling controlling.

Then I point the finger at externals—all of society, which is simply exemplifying my own character defect of clutching at safety—and I got three fingers pointing back at me!

I’m a microcosm of the whole, a cell in the body. The struggle that goes on in me—it goes on in them. They’re reflecting my heart. 

So yeah, I’ll admit it, on behalf of us all. Control is so hard to let go of.

But that’s what I’m gonna do. Let go of it.

Not just for the sake of my writing, my body, my days, and my precious time—but for the sake of our whole beautiful world.

(After-note: interesting that seven days after I wrote this I got my cancer diagnosis. And I truly had to let go of control utterly and completely unlike anything I’d ever done before!)