I’m not even really human. I’m literally comprised of trillions of bacteria and organisms in all my different parts thrumming and humming in all these complex self-regulating neighborhoods. And they get disrupted by the chemo and then suddenly I realize all the work they were quietly and wisely doing for me all along.

How did I not notice you till now? You’re really amazing!

I was surprised when I got cancer how many people acted like it was a fight, a battle, a threat. That’s not how I feel. My body and my cells need love. I’ve taken them for granted all my life, barely offered the most meager of appreciation for all the work they constantly did for me. I never thought of what they wanted.

I just expected them to do everything. To give ceaselessly and silently to me, without my ever saying thank you or hey, what’s best for you, I care about you. I ignored and pushed them and often outright poisoned them. I sent out a vibration of, I don’t trust you and by the way you’re not that great.

No wonder they started to feel needy and out of whack.

I don’t want to fight. I just want to love. My cells are just little microcosms of me. I had a fit of laughter when I read an article about how fasting is good when you’re getting chemo because the sober healthy selves go into a protective state of restraint, quietly abstaining. Whereas the cancer cells, the alcoholic ones, freak out at the absence of food and start gobbling everything up as maniacally as they can. They can’t stop, even if they’re gobbling up chemo poison.

And because they can’t restrain themselves, they get nailed.

It reminded me so much of me.

Little alcoholic cells you’re just like me, hee hee hee. I understand how you feel, cute crazy ones. Hey, lean back and relax. There’s nothing really out there to drink and drink and drink all the way up.

It’s much sweeter here, in love. Let’s not try so hard.

I accept you. I appreciate you. Let go, I got you.

Let’s not deny love anymore!